The Wheels Are Falling Off

My Christopher and I

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As I went to bed the other night I told my husband that I felt as if the wheels were falling off. This statement being made in reference to me, my mental health, my physical health. That day had not been a great one, and I was feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. My body was sore and I had been holding massive amounts of tension in my neck and shoulders. Going to bed had almost become a trigger for worrying about “what’s next..?” And “how am I going to get better?!” .. but triggers are another story.

He looked at me and simply said, “The wheels aren’t falling off my soul, you are just in need of a tune up."

I almost laughed, but smiled in appreciation instead. My Christopher always knows how to look at things from a different angle. He has a rare positive lens on every situation. I sighed in relief as his statement saved me from thinking things were dismissal and a finality. He reminded me that just like anything else that is "broken", it doesn't mean it is permanently so.

People who are aware of recent decisions my health care professionals and I have made for my well being have told me I am being brave. I have difficulty believing this. How am I being brave when all I am doing is responding to my inability to simply do the things I always do? Literally I just COULDN'T do it anymore. I didn't have a choice but to stop, rest and get help. How is that being brave? I have to continue to reflect on that a little more, this whole concept of being brave... really how are you being brave when you have no choice but to do something that is hard?! But, maybe I did have a choice... I mean I guess somewhere in my thought patterns I know I did. I could have continued the way I was and ignored the fact I needed a tune up. What then!? My vehicle (body, mind, and soul) would have soon been past the point of repair.

Even though it feels as if I have missed years of regular maintenance, I guess I did make a decision. Being brave however is still up for debate. I am aware that many people in our society choose to avoid making these types of decisions, which is easily part of an anxiety cycle. In the moment it might be easier to avoid, but eventually the issues persist and begin to take their toll in a myriad of ways. Quite literally the wheels fall off, and the ability to repair becomes impossible. Parts are not available, damage is too severe.... you catch my drift.

I thankfully was still at a mental place where I knew there was no choice to do anything other than dig in, but it still felt pretty bleak, and very scary. I knew I couldn't carry on like this, but it was so hard to admit, to stop, to get help, to admit I couldn't do it anymore. I can't imagine what it would be like to not know in your soul that you could dig in, that things could be better . What if all you felt was that the wheels were truly falling off, and you were broken and beyond repair. I know I said that to My Christopher, but I didn't truly feel that way.

I am continually grateful for the supports around me who encourage, listen, and remind me that although I neglected my regular maintenance I was not beyond repair. I'm not headed to the salvage yard yet! That sounds harsh, but in all honesty I don't think the road I was on was going to allow me for a life much beyond 60.

I AM going to be the most beautiful, healthy version of me yet! Hopefully this part of my journey will allow me to understand how important it is to attend to regular check-ins along the road and not wait until it feels as if everything is falling apart.